I’m pregnant and packing my hospital bag now. I should have done it weeks ago.
I’m scheduled to deliver my baby in five days via c-section.
FIVE DAYS!
Starting a blog to share with the world our journey to parenthood through infertility is hard. My biggest desire is to be helpful, supportive, and informative. My husband and I have been lost and confused so often trying to grow our family and turning to others that have walked a similar path was one of the only outlets I had to get through the sadness I felt.
Attempting to start a supportive and informative infertility blog while being pregnant is even harder. It’s like I have this roadblock in my way. Something telling me I am not worthy to share our infertility struggles now that I am pregnant.
This pregnancy was not a surprise. It did not happen after I relaxed. It took years to find answers and more losses than I care to share in this post.
I’m scared to announce I’m pregnant because I know how it feels to be trying to start a family and see others welcoming babies. If you are trying to conceive and this is difficult for you, I understand if we can’t be friends now. I understand if you need to turn to others for support and guidance during your path to parenthood. But before you leave me – know I am cheering for you. I am sending all my good vibes, prayers, and baby dust your way.
If you’re looking for inspirational pregnancy and birth stories after loss, or you’re experiencing male or female factor infertility, specifically azoospermia, MicroTese, or low AMH – stay tuned, I have plenty to share. I also have experience with pregnancy complications, loss, and success through cervical insufficiency and incompetent cervix that I strongly feel called to share.
Today
My current pregnancy has been six years in the making. It feels like we have spent all our effort and all our money to get to this point. Because it’s not a question of, “what can we afford?” or “how will we do this?” It’s been tunnel vision and no questions asked to get us to this point. We just keep going.
Now, we’re nearly there.
Five days until our baby boy will be in our arms.
I can’t lie – I’m scared and sad that I have to have a c-section.
Due to cervical insufficiency, I had a pre-pregnancy abdominal cerclage placed, requiring any babies to be born via c-section. While I am sad I do not have a choice of a natural birth plan or experiencing labor again, I am grateful my body has held this little boy right where he needs to be.
My first birth experience was traumatic.
I wish I had a word more dramatic and meaningful than, “traumatic.” It just doesn’t portray what we went through. But, there are no words to describe the loss of your children.
The early arrival of our daughters was seemingly inevitable after other medical interventions could not be done. I woke up to contractions around midnight and my husband and I numbly arrived at the hospital to give birth to our twins at 21 weeks. It’s an experience I do not want to re-live and I’m full of fear that my memories will come flooding back as we enter the same hospital doors in five days.
But, I will try to keep my fear and memories at bay.
I keep telling myself everything will be different. We will leave the hospital with our hearts and arms full.
I could go on about my fears and excitement and our journey for days.
But I willend this here and will return to packing my hospital bag. A right of passage for new mamas I have put off far too long. I’m happy I shared. It felt like I was keeping a secret and every single baby deserves to be celebrated.
Wishing you success wherever you are in your journey!