My husband and I have struggled with infertility for years.
All I wanted to see were those two pink lines. It was heartbreaking and at times, it consumed my thoughts.
Would we ever get pregnant? Will we have to do fertility treatments? How will we pay for it?
My mind would circle over these thoughts every single day.
Thankfully in the last five years of our infertility journey, I’ve learned a few things to help me calm down when life got stressful. But I didn’t always have these tools.
The Beginning of our Journey
Six months into our marriage and we were not pregnant. It felt like I was living my worst nightmare.
It was a nightmare.
I had always wanted to be a mom and I was questioning if I would ever get pregnant.
My husband and I were ready to start our family now. We were no longer in our twenties – or our early thirties. My internal clock was ticking louder every day and my mind was constantly wondering when we would see those two pink lines on a positive pregnancy test.
We had been trying to get pregnant for months when I made the appointment to see my doctor.
Maybe we weren’t timing it right.
Or maybe I wasn’t being patient enough and it truly “just takes time.”
While I worked hard to convince myself I didn’t have anything to be concerned about, I knew something wasn’t right.
When Will I Have a Baby?
This thought was always on my mind as I searched endlessly for the best conception advice.
I read about the best foods to eat when trying to conceive. What supplements can help support my body while trying to conceive? What is the best ‘position’ to try? I was desperate!
Month after month, I was convinced we would never have a baby and my mind swirled with negative thoughts.
Why Can’t I Get Pregnant?
My initial test results from the doctor’s office immediately sent us to a fertility specialist. My anti-mullerian hormone (AMH) was low and I was considered to have diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). I was still optimistic even though it appeared we would have to pursue in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to have a baby.
We both continued testing and it was confirmed within our first year of marriage we would never conceive children. Our biggest obstacle was my husband’s diagnosis of nonobstructive azoospermia – the absence of sperm in semen.
Is it possible to have zero sperm?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Not only were the test results from the infertility doctor less than desirable, but they were also, in fact, the worst results we could ever get. My husband and I will never conceive naturally nor will we ever have biological children.
We each grieved in our own way.
I processed by plowing through Google and learning all I could about ways we could grow our family. I wasn’t ready to grieve the children we wouldn’t have. I was on a mission to get to the children we were meant to have. It was exciting and stressful.
I needed ways to help calm my mind and reduce my stress levels.
These methods help to calm my mind during the most challenging times while my husband and I struggled to conceive. I still use these methods as we try to grow our family while struggling with infertility.
How I Calmed my Mind While Struggling with Infertility
1. Filled my calendar with things I enjoyed
I spent more time swimming and going to yoga classes.
I made lunch plans with friends and planned date nights with my husband.
I knew once we finally had a baby, I wouldn’t be able to do these things as often so I decided to try and appreciate this time before becoming a Mother. I was able to keep myself a little more occupied filling my calendar.
But I also continued my research – I made an appointment with a local adoption agency. I read about donor eggs, donor sperm, and double donor embryos. I researched costs and clinics.
We had a consultation with a reproductive specialist.
We had a consultation with a fertility clinic specializing in donor embryos.
Knowledge felt like power and we still needed answers.
2. Take a Deep Breath
Yes, I know this is an annoying answer. I’m sure you have heard it and don’t want to hear it again. But for me, it works.
When I find myself overthinking, overwhelmed, or stressed, I take a deep breath through my nose and exhale through my mouth.
Force that air out and repeat as needed. (Repetition is recommended.)
After a few deep breaths, I can feel the stress melt out of my shoulders.
3. Stopped thinking negative thoughts
Okay, this one is tough. But seriously, be kind to yourself. I still think negative thoughts. Daily. The point is to know you are doing it. Acknowledging the negative thoughts makes you know at least it’s not normal and gives you an opportunity to correct it.
Unfortunately, my inner voice is not a kinder version of myself and she doesn’t think things through before spilling all her thoughts into my head. I’ve had to train my inner monologue to be a bit nicer. It’s a daily practice and some days it seems to be a full-time job!
But I keep challenging my inner thoughts to be kinder. Slowly, I notice the changes.
Today
It feels like time stands still when you’re struggling to make a baby. I was mostly tunnel-visioned and always waiting for “next month” when our lives could begin again as we expected our baby. But “next month” never really came. It was years after our diagnosis that we welcomed our first child through adoption.
I’m sure someone you know has told you to, ‘just relax,’ and that will help you get pregnant. I know it’s cliche but I’m going to suggest the same. But, this is for your mental health. ‘Relaxing’ will not get you pregnant but it can help give you a break.
If you can afford it, get a massage. Book a massage for your partner too. They are going through the same struggles you are. Order pizza so you don’t have to cook. Go for a walk.
It’s been over four years since we got first heard we would have difficulty getting pregnant. Since then, we’ve had countless tests and procedures. My husband and I both had surgery. We have done five frozen embryo transfers with six donated embryos. We have three babies in heaven and three babies at home. I’ve used these techniques more times than I can count.
Wishing you all the luck.
Grieving and growing through infertility,
Rhea